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Everyone has there own struggles in life and we are all unique in our coping. I find my self finally finding myself at the age of 22 and growing into the women I’ve always wanted to be. There have been many trails in my life, most people can relate. I find my self alert of my surroundings at all times, uncomfortable when someone hugs or touches me, self-esteem and trust issues, and uncomfortable changing a babies diaper. We all have “things” to be ashamed of in life but I can live to tell you I am not ashamed. I am not ashamed because I am a SURVIVOR of childhood sexual abuse. As a child I had many encounters with someone that was so close to our family and at times I find myself wondering where I would be if I hadn’t had the courage to speak up and tell. I’m writing this as therapy for myself but to also to reach out to those who have been sexually abused regardless of the perpetrator.

I know the hardest part is accepting what has happened. You constanly question your purpose for this life. But I have found that love is the only answer to this life. We live in such a troubled world but we have a choice to step out of our comfort zone and to make the change. Yes, has this affected certain areas of my life, most defiantly, but I choose not to let it control me. Many people do not know I was sexually abuse. Even some do not believe it happened to me. I find myself finding resentment towards those who would choose to believe a grown man over a 4-year-old child. However, I chose to forgive them even my abuser, not for them but for myself, for my freedom. I sometimes even find myself feeling sorry and guilty that he has no family . But then I realize maybe telling and having the courage was part of my life purpose, maybe I saved others from harm. This is something we will never know, until we meet the maker.

My life has been and will forever be run by God. He was the one who gave me the courage to recognize it wasn’t right and and gave me the courage to tell someone. There were many times he threatened to “kill my entire family,” but at the age of 4 I took the step and courage to tell. I can’t tell you how terrifying it was to tell my mom and then to see my dads reaction. I can remember it vividly, like I am holding a picture in my hand but its in my mind. The tears, the sadness, the guilt, the blame, the devastation of my parents. I can remember smells and visualizations, feelings, and a very few times of the abuse. Luckily our brain helps block out those memories that were terrible. Its called repressed memories and these have been unconsciously blocked due to the memory being associated with a high level of stress or trauma. The human brain has many amazing works but God on the other hand created it, and knew there would be times in this mortal life we would need to block memories.

I have struggled with issue my entire life from this trauma. But today I chose to step forward, to reach out, to love no matter the past. I wouldn’t being writing this, if God hadn’t place my beloved husband in my path at the age of 13. He knew he would help heal my brokenness. People always ask “how do you stay with the same person?” my response, I have no desire for anyone else. He pulled me out of the water when I was drowning, he lifted me when I had fallen, he loved me in my brokenness. This love I can thank God for because only a love like this comes from the almighty. There were times in my life I didn’t want to live but my love opened my eyes to greater things. He pulled me from the darkness into the light.

My prayers for those who have experienced this too, is to have courage, do not be afraid, you are never alone. I hope and pray that one day you find a love like Evan and I’s and that this life opens your eyes to greater things.

Empty Vessel

We are not to blame, We are not alone.

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